Beyond Love and Faith…

It was a day like any other.

I was flipping through my book, the coffee cup by my side. The almond tree I was sitting under was in full bloom. The gentle aroma wafted down and trickled through my senses. The first crack of dusk touched the evening sky. As I looked up, I could see the sun leisurely preparing to call it a day. As a last act of farewell it raised the paintbrush and carelessly splattered the clear blue sky with orange strokes.

I could hear the carefree laughter of the children from across the park. They must be flying high on the swing sets or rolling over one another down the slide. In a few minutes their mothers will be calling out for them and they will unwillingly leave their friends and walk back home, promising to be back the next day.

As the sky turned from pale to dark orange, the park started to clear off. Soon the street lights will be on. I closed my book, as the light was too low to read. But instead of making my way home I decided to wait for some more time, till the wayward birds had made it to their home.

The park was almost deserted now, except a group of old men, who had no one in particular to go back to, and few couples who wanted to make the most of the time they had together. I closed my eyes, trying to hear the chirping of the birds, as some of them recounted how their day went while others called for their mates. The soothing sound of the home-bound birds mixed with the heady aroma of the fresh bloomed evening primrose flowers lifted my spirits. Just as a happy smile was about to spread over my lips, I was startled by a rustling noise. As I opened my eyes, I saw a young girl at the far end of the bench I was sitting on.

She was around 12 years, tall, slim with a round face. Her long black hair was left loose along her back. I could see the side of her face, as she sat staring at her hands on her lap.

‘Hi’, I said.

She looked at me, and I was taken aback by those pair of eyes. Never before had I seen soo much agony in someone’s eyes. Looking at her big, almond shaped eyes, could make one cry. Her face had a rough edge to it, but it was her eyes that softened her appearance. When she didn't reply to my greeting, I asked if she was lost. She nodded, saying she wasn't.

By now darkness had started creeping in through the thick foliage and the sun had almost crawled inside the comfort of his black snug blanket.

I looked around to see if I could see the girl’s parents, but no one seemed to be with her. Once again I turned around and tried starting a conversation. ‘So, what is your name?’ I asked.

‘I’m Pain’.

Her low but sharp voice cut across the still air and struck against my ears. I straightened myself and looked at her closely. How can this be her name?

‘Who are you?’ I mumbled.

This time she looked straight into my eyes and replied, ‘It’s ok for you not to recognize me, as we had never met before. We might have fleetingly crossed each other at the hallway, but we never had a direct encounter.’

I suddenly realized that the sounds, colours and aromas that so long were with me, could be felt no more. The air was still and the sky was silent.

‘I don’t remember seeing you’, I could feel my voice rise, as I tried hard to control it.

‘You don’t? You surely remember meeting my sisters Love and Faith?’, a smile as sad as her eyes appeared across her thin, dry lips.

‘Why have you come?’ I tried hard to hold back the lump in my throat.

She sighed, ‘I had to. It was time. Without meeting me you could never experience life at its full glory. So long it was an incomplete journey for you. I have made you complete.’ She paused for a while, and then continued. ‘Remember, it is as much important to celebrate pain, as it is to revel in love and hope and happiness.’

My head swirled, and the stillness around me made me feel uneasy. ‘I think I should leave now’, I said.

On hearing me, the little girl sprung up on her feet and walked towards me.

She threw her cold and bony arms around my neck and hugged me, ‘It was nice meeting you,’ she whispered into my ear. Her hoarse voice almost deafened me.

While she hugged me I felt my body go numb and cold. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins freeze and my body writhed in a strange kind of pain. It was like someone had reached inside me and wrenched out my heart with cold bony fingers. I wanted to shout, but couldn't find my voice.

After what felt like an eternity, the little girl slowly stepped back, turned around and walked away.

I sat there, looking at her walk away.

Till now, I thought death was most painful….but I was wrong.

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*In 2012, I had written a blog post named, ‘Faith…Love…Respect’. This post is an extension of the thought, with a different take.

last GOODBYE....

Chapter 1: The End

The girl walked up to the door and stared.

It was the most gloriously ornate gate she had ever seen in her life. The gold, silver and rubies sparkled and their reflection danced across her face. She reached out to touch it. The cold surface sent a shiver down her spine.

‘I can still feel’, she wondered.

The gate creaked open. She stepped into the most beautiful garden she had ever seen. Not a colour she knew of in the world was missing in the garden.

‘How easily the memory of the ‘world’ comes to me’, she mused. ‘How long will it be before I completely forget about the world? The memory of 21 years wiped clean. Not 21….she rectified, 20 years and 9 months.’

Her birthday was due in 3 months.

The girl sighed. The boy had planned a big surprise for her 21^st birthday. She asked him over & over again, but he refused to say anything.

‘It will be the biggest and bestest surprise of your life’, he said, tilting his head, the lopsided smile on his face. The smile that always melted her heart.

Standing in the middle of the Garden of Eden, the girl’s heart ached. She longed to see his face, touch his cheek, and nuzzle her nose against his arm.  The thought that she can never see him filled her with despair.

They had known each other for 3 years. The girl met the boy on the first day of college. The moment their eyes locked across the noisy class they knew they were meant for each other. There was no proposal, no going down on the knees, and no flower shower. They just came together and stayed together forever, until…

‘You are bleeding’.

The girl looked up with a start. A kind-faced man was standing over her.

‘You are bleeding’, the man repeated.

The girl now looked down and saw the red rose she was holding. The thorn pricked her finger and blood was oozing out. She quickly sucked her thumb, to stop the bleeding. The familiar taste of blood comforted her.

‘Who are you?’, she asked the man.

‘I’m your guardian angel’, he smiled. His eyes were the colour of caramel, gazing into them could melt one’s heart.

‘Guardian angel?’ the girl looked confused.

‘Yes, so once you cross over from there to here, guardian angels help you get settled in heaven’, he explained. The smile not once leaving his eyes.

Seeing the confused look on her face the man continued, ‘Do you remember how on the first week of college your class had one senior student as your buddy, who helped your group get settled with college life?’

The girl’s face lit, ‘Of course I do. Ohh…so you will be like my buddy in heaven?’ she quipped.

The words fell with a thud and a suffocating silence followed. The girl’s face darkened. The truth that she is dead and is in heaven now, has not sunk in yet. Was this real? This feels like a bad dream….and she waits to be woken up any minute now.

But there’s no more waking up….and she knows that.

She felt a gentle touch on her shoulder.

‘Are you ready to go ahead?’, the guardian angel asked.

The girl nodded…but then stopped. ‘There are some questions that I need to ask you, before we go any further.’

‘Sure, go ahead’.

‘Why am I alone here? If this is heaven then where are the other people who died too? If I want to meet someone in heaven what do I need to do? I want to meet my granny…she died 6 years back…and I miss her a lot….When do I get to meet God? Does He meet with everyone?’

‘Wooow…woow…hold on young lady,’ the guardian angel pleaded. ‘You have far too many things on your mind. Though I want to, but I cannot answer all your queries. You need to experience them along your journey here.

But I will answer your first question,’ he paused. ‘You cannot see anyone around here, because this is your experience. Living on earth and in heaven are different. On earth you physically live and feel your existence. But here, on the other side, you do not feel, you experience your being.’

‘Then how come I can still feel?’ the girls eyes implored.

The guardian angel sighed, and for the first time the smile faded as the girl looked into his eyes. ‘Come and sit here with me.’ He glided along and sat on a bench under a big shady tree.

As they sat facing each other, he held both her hands in his.

‘You are still feeling cold, and bleeding and experiencing heartache because you did not get to say your last goodbye…my girl’, his pale hands held onto her. The girl stared at his hands. She had never seen something soo lifeless yet soo beautiful. His fingers were long and slender, and the hand was smooth and pale. It reminded her of the porcelain doll the boy bought her on her last birthday. It was a boy and a girl sitting on a bench…..holding hands.

It was lifeless, real and beautiful…’just like this moment now’, she thought.

‘My last goodbye?’

She closed her eyes, and the events came rushing back to her. The family outing they had.

The final exams were over, and her father wanted to take the whole family to a nearby hill station. They were all soo excited. It was a long pending family vacation. It was monsoon and the Western Ghats come alive during this time of the year. The bookings were done and the bags were packed.

The girl clearly remembers the waterfall. It looked so menacing from across the other side of the hill, as if God was pouring down his white wrath down the mountain. But on reaching the bottom there were huge boulders, and the water slowly caressed these smooth rocks and curtained down. Some people were enjoying themselves under the waterfall, and the two young girls requested their parents to let them go too. Though the mother was not very keen, the father reluctantly allowed.

‘Just for 5 minutes,’ his voice still echoed in her ears.

Those were the last 5 minutes of her life.

They were having so much fun getting drenched, but suddenly the girl’s feet slipped and she lost her balance. She desperately tried holding on to her sister’s arm, but her wet palms slipped. The tide was rising and the water quickly washed away the young girl down the rough edges of the rock. Before she could realize she was dead.

While she slipped down the stream, she saw her sister who lunged to hold her and her parents who were sitting under the shade of a big rock. But the one face she wanted to see for the last time was not there.

The girl had not said goodbye to the boy.

The day before they had a big fight.

******************

‘But how can I say goodbye now? I’m here and he’s there.’

‘Come with me my child’, the guardian angel rose and held out his hand…..

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Chapter 2: The Begining

The bus came to a stop.

Everybody stepped out into the bright morning sun. The boy was the last one to get down.

He was not willing to come for the office picnic, but his friends dragged him. This was their first office outing, and the batch of freshers were visibly excited. The boy saw his friends preparing to play a game of cricket. They waved at him to join them. But he stayed back.

Nothing seems to interest him anymore, and all he could think of is about her.

It has been over 6 months that he had last seen her. The last day they fought…he couldn’t remember over what. But it was their first big fight. It was the day he left town to join his first job.

He tried to call her to say sorry but her phone was switched off. He called other friends to find out about her, but no one knew anything about her whereabouts. After a month he came back to look for her. But her house was locked and no one had seen the family for weeks. The boy yearned to see her….talk to her….touch her. But she was gone.

It was bright and sunny. They had planned to go to a famous picnic spot near the dam. But while on the way, they came to know of a sudden unseasonal landslide that had blocked the expressway, and hence they took a detour and came to this waterfall amidst the hills.

The boy walked down the narrow path along the hill lost in thoughts. The sound of the waterfall grew louder and he followed it. The shouts and laughter of his friends grew distant and faded away. He could see the waterfall now, like white molten lava. It was menacing.

The air around him felt warmer, as if someone has wrapped him in an embrace. He is almost under the waterfall now. The smooth surface of the rocks caressed his feet. He looked up as a familiar smell fleeted by his nose.

Suddenly his eyes caught a big green signboard. It was rusted at the edges. The sign said:

‘Waterfall too dangerous for taking bathe

This is an accident prone area’

Below this there were names of people who had died at that spot. As the boy’s eyes saw the last name…he froze. The universe took a somersault around him and he felt like crashing down a dark hole.

It was the girl’s name….

******************

What did the stars say…

The cold night air pinched my bare skin. I drew the blanket closely over my head and stared up.

The stars twinkled and beckoned me. I looked up, mesmerized by the calm hypnotic power they have over me. Since I was a kid, I always loved lying on the roof and staring at the night sky….talking to the stars. A luxury, kids’ of this generation will never enjoy!

I fondly remember those days when during power cuts, the whole family gathered at the terrace. My mom used to sing her favourite Rabindra sangeet while I lay engrossed on the jute mattress talking to the stars.

Tonight while staring at the stars, I tried hard to remember the conversations I used to have with them as a kid. But nothing came to my mind. Years of growing up has stifled the innocent childhood memories. We are so engrossed in thinking and planning about our future, that we don’t realize when the ‘fond memories’ of the past carelessly slip out of our heart along the road.

I sighed and kept staring at the stars. The warm glow from the bonfire next to me, crept up and warmed my bones. The laughter and banter of my friends sitting around slowly faded away.

And then I heard it…the slow giggling and murmur. I looked up and saw hundreds of stars twinkling, talking, giggling, nudging and calling me. I stepped forward…

“Where were you guys? I was looking for you so long”, I asked

“We’re always here, around you”, replied one of them

“Then how come I do not get to see you guys.”

This time the bigger star with a kind face said, “You cannot see us, because you don’t want to. But we see you all the time.”

“The Guiding star”, he continued, “stays by your side when you are at a crossroad in life and need someone to direct you. The Happy star celebrates with you when you are joyous. The Naughty star slowly tiptoes in and plants the mischievous idea in your mind when you are sleeping at night. The Pensive star sits by your side when you’re brooding, softly smoothing the worries away from your brow. And the warm feeling of comfort that you get when you’re sad…that’s the Cuddle star, who gathers you gently in its warm hug and comforts you when you need it the most.”

Saying this, the kind-faced star walked towards me and said, “Why do you look so baffled, my friend?”

“Why do you stars do so much for me?” I blurted out.

“Because you care for us. We had seen how as a kid you used to come running to us teary-faced, when your Mom scolded you…or happy and elated when you did well in class. And we also never missed your silent prayers to us before an exam or a dance recital.”

The memories of my childhood came gushing back to me…and suddenly I clearly remembered all those hours I spent talking to the stars. I even remembered fragments of the conversations I had with them. My heart swelled up and tears ran down my cheek.

The Kind star gently put a hand around me and comforted me. It said, “You must meet Smiley star now, because he never missed making you smile…and you surely need some smiles around.”

And as I looked up, a cute little star popped up to me and smiled. It was the most comforting and innocent smile that made my heart melt. How long has it been since a smile has reached deep down inside my heart and lighted up the dim nook and crevices. I seemed to have forgotten this child-like warmth.

While I was basking in the warmth deep down, the Kind star took my hands and asked, “There is one thing I always wanted to ask you.”

“What is it?” I asked surprised.

“You have always looked up to us and searched for something. I never could understand what you were searching for so frantically. Can you tell me what you are looking for?”

The icy cold fingers crept back and gripped my heart…and I felt the warmth fade away.

I looked down and replied, “I don’t know…I never did. I'm still looking for it..."

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